I always felt I had to prove myself to everyone so I would be “normal”. At age 7 and in a school with about…. 2 white people (yes I stood out for more than my skin color) I limped and was teased on a regular basis. I was not given the freedom to skip or play hop scotch without someone teasing me. Ok, some of you may be laughing and say, “oh come on, suck it up that isn’t that bad”. But for a kid who just wanted to fit in, it sucked. Even my maiden name was the butt of peoples jokes (Losey: lousy, loosy, lazy).
(disclaimer… I know there are worse, much worse life stories out there, please, no disrespect meant. I am just sharing my story)
I remember in grade 6 my teacher gave me permission to do a double hop instead of a skip in a school event, many kids were laughing and pointing. They never let me forget that I wasn’t “normal”. I missed a year of school because of the accident which made me uncomfortable sitting in class and not understanding what was going on. I stood out too much at this point, last thing I wanted to do was raise my hand to ask a question.
I look at the path I took sence the car accident. I chose to skip school, and to be a pain in the ass to all authority. I let the bullies tell me what to do, thinking that would help me fit in. Did that make them like me?… no. Grade 7 and 8 were no pic-nic either. During those two years I took the city bus to school that said “around the island”… I often chose around the island instead of school, and instead of being teased. I just realized I was like Rudolf, the kids wouldn’t let me play in their reindeer games. haha.
As a kid, I could have brushed it off and went about my own business and just chose to be myself. And be happy with my “limitations”. But I chose the hard path, I was always trying to fit in and be normal. I wasn’t normal. I was Joan. I am ok with my past. It just took me a little longer to find out that I was special. We are all special in our own ways.
Now High School was a different story. I went to Kalaheo High School, which was in a whole different district from where I grew up. No one knew me… I was able to “start over”. I was just Joan, the new kid (or Joanzie, which was the nickname given to me 2nd year of H.S.). In H.S. I began to discover my independence and gained some freedom from my past. I also discovered that being “not normal” was a strength. It helped me to stand out (which isn’t always what you want when trying to hide from the teachers).
Now here I sit. I left the islands at age 20, married at 22, first kid at 23. I am now 49 with 3 kids and a wonderful husband of 28 years. Shit happens when you begin to find your strengths and let go of your weaknesses. “Let that Shit Go”
Now to just find my way back to the islands. This Winter thing sucks!